SOME THOUGHTS ON NEW RULES FOR LIVING:
New Rule #1: No more gift registries. It used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving; it's the white collar, elitist version of looting.
New Rule #2: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. It’s because you
don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days: He’s mowing my lawn.
New Rule #3: This is not meant to be sexist, but, ladies, please leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done. They’re great just the way they are!
New Rule #4: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this junk at the supermarket. Flavored water without that watery
taste is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule #5: Stop screwing with us old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label, and the top
is now the bottom. By the time I figure out how to open it, I’ll be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target! You just solved the Social Security crisis!
New Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
jerk. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grandee,
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one
NutraSweet,” you're a huge fart.
New Rule #7: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding
my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount,
deciding, “No, I don't want cash back,” and pressing “Enter” again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing up my order is standing there eating my
Almond Joy.
New Rule #8: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass, and
it translates in to English as “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything
spiritual you were praying you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule #9: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive
Eating because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too
darned exciting. What's next? Competitive farting? Oh wait! They're
already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.”
New Rule #10: I don't need a bigger, mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule #11: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule #12: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to
be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule #13: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear
”27 months.” Just say, “He's two,” and that will do just fine. He's not a cheese, and I
didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule #14: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job
that pays better than minimum wage, then for goodness sake please don't pierce or
tattoo every available piece of flesh. If you do plan to pierce and tattoo every available piece of flesh on your body, then also plan your future around saying, “Do you want fries with that?”
New Rule #1: No more gift registries. It used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving; it's the white collar, elitist version of looting.
New Rule #2: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. It’s because you
don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days: He’s mowing my lawn.
New Rule #3: This is not meant to be sexist, but, ladies, please leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done. They’re great just the way they are!
New Rule #4: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this junk at the supermarket. Flavored water without that watery
taste is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule #5: Stop screwing with us old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label, and the top
is now the bottom. By the time I figure out how to open it, I’ll be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target! You just solved the Social Security crisis!
New Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
jerk. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grandee,
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one
NutraSweet,” you're a huge fart.
New Rule #7: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding
my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount,
deciding, “No, I don't want cash back,” and pressing “Enter” again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing up my order is standing there eating my
Almond Joy.
New Rule #8: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass, and
it translates in to English as “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything
spiritual you were praying you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule #9: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive
Eating because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too
darned exciting. What's next? Competitive farting? Oh wait! They're
already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.”
New Rule #10: I don't need a bigger, mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule #11: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule #12: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to
be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule #13: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear
”27 months.” Just say, “He's two,” and that will do just fine. He's not a cheese, and I
didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule #14: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job
that pays better than minimum wage, then for goodness sake please don't pierce or
tattoo every available piece of flesh. If you do plan to pierce and tattoo every available piece of flesh on your body, then also plan your future around saying, “Do you want fries with that?”
posted by:
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Atlanta
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Re: Some New Rules For Living
Sun, April 27, 2008 - 9:13 PM
re #12: Oh Hell! You found me out. -
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Re: Some New Rules For Living
Mon, April 28, 2008 - 7:27 AMMax, do you think it would be appropriate to send a copy to Senator Larry Craig, or would that be too pushy and obvious? -
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Re: Some New Rules For Living
Mon, April 28, 2008 - 8:36 AM
All I have to say about Larry Craig is that he wears ugly shoes and he is a cheap tipper. -
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Re: Some New Rules For Living
Wed, April 30, 2008 - 5:25 AMthese are not rules, this is one person bitching about people that they don't have the balls to confront in person. -
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Re: Some New Rules For Living
Wed, April 30, 2008 - 6:30 PM>Bitching about people that don't have the balls,<
Do you realize how old this is? How many times it bounced back and forth on the web? Why don't you look up the person that wrote it and give them what-for?
I don't condone what was said, I asking why don't you do something about the souce?
Yeah, I know, idiots abound. I confess, I might be one, ocassionally but not usually.
Have you ever, ever heard me say, or quote someting like this?
One of my rules - if I lift the toilet seat up, I'll put it back down when I'm done. When it's your turn, don't ask me where the toilet paper is, Where did you put it? I shake mine dry. -
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Re: Some New Rules For Living
Tue, May 6, 2008 - 1:42 PMThis list was supposedly part of a George Carlin routine. But, then again, lots of crap gets posted with his name on it so don't quote me. -
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Re: Some New Rules For Living
Tue, May 6, 2008 - 3:17 PM"New Rules" come from Bill Maher.
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Re: Some New Rules For Living
Wed, April 30, 2008 - 6:40 PM
You're right. I'm going to write to Senator Craig right away.
When I lived in Idaho, I told a campaigner calling on his behalf that I'd prefer to be governed by...I can't remember who and right now. It's hard to think of a truly unflattering comparison.
Lest there be any question about my balls or lack thereof, has it occurred to you we're just having a little fun here?
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Re: Some New Rules For Living
Sun, May 4, 2008 - 5:01 AMyou know what we always said mike, don't trust anybody under thirty....
