Dave Allen Stories:

topic posted Fri, March 11, 2005 - 11:56 PM by  Bobs
A tribute to Dave Allen, one of the nations funniest comics who died this week:

A man goes to heaven and St. Peter shows him around? They go past one room and the man asks 'Who are all those people in there?' 'They are the Methodists,' says St. Peter. They pass another room and the man asks the same question. 'Oh, they are the Anglicans,' says St. Peter. As they're approaching the next room St Peter says 'Take your shoes off and tip-toe by as quietly as you can.' 'Why, who's in there?' asks the man. 'The Catholics,' replies St. Peter, 'and they think that they're the only ones up here.'


Now it seems there was this English soldier that went to Ireland for a vacation because he knew he could get the best whiskey there. Well ... after having had "quite" a night of pubbing he found himself wandering along the side of an Irish road at a very early hour of the morning.

Coming up the road was an Irish farmer on his way to market. In his wagon was his prize pig and pulling the load was his best horse. When the Irishman saw the soldier he thought, "Poor soldier. Out this early in the morning walkin' alone. I should offer him a ride."
So, he pulled up next to the soldier and asked if he wanted a ride into town.

Now the English soldier wasn't too sure about accepting a ride from an Irishman, especially when he saw, sitting on the floorboards, the farmer's rifle. But the farmer insisted and the soldier was quite drunk.

When the soldier was in the wagon the farmer realized he was running late and coaxed his horse to go faster. Just at that moment a wild rabbit ran across the road and scared the horse. He broke into a mad gallop and no matter how hard the farmer tired to stop him, he would not slow down! Then, suddendly, the horse made a sharp turn and the wagon tipped over and everyone fell out. The soldier landed in a ditch, face down, and couldn't move. He knew he'd broken at least one arm and a leg. He was feeling dizzy and
thought he might even have sustained a concussion. He had trouble seeing from one eye and knew it was bleeding.

From behind him he could hear the farmer moaning over what had happened.
"Oh, my poor pig! You've got a nasty cut in your side. I'd best be puttin' you out of your misery."
And the soldier heard the farmer fire his rifle into the pig. Then, the farmer saw his horse.
"Oh, my poor, poor horse! You've broken a leg. I best be puttin' you out of your misery."
And the soldier heard the farmer fire his rifle, again, into his horse. Then he heard the farmer coming closer to him. The farmer turned the soldier over and said,
"oh, you poor soldier ... how are you?"
The soldier said, quickly, "I never felt better in my life!"


A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a
graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk
fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to
climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned
the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He
gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there.

A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and decides
to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He, too,
falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but the
mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting there
and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get out.

The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the shoulder
and tells him, "You'll never get out!".

He did.
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