JOKES!! 's topics - tribe.net

Inquiring minds wanna know...

davepattison — Sat, 17 May 2008 09:07:36 GMT

They say "Curiosity killed the cat".must also be a guy thing.

Subject: THE TASER

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their Anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th Anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000 volt pocket/'purse-sized tazer.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!!!!!!!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

NOTHING!! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only 2 AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, If I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.... AM I WRONG? So, the re I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glassed perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,directions in one hand and tazer in the other.

The directions said that--

A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant.

A two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control.

A three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less that 3/4' in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with 2
itsy bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is beyond description, but I'll do my best!

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipsh*t', reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little 'ole' thing couldn't possibly hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and ~

HOLY

MOTHER

OF GOD!.....

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where
to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to the picture frame hangi ng above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution:

there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap Yourself!!!!!!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand, by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-B****!

THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over my drooling.
Apparently I s**t myself, but was too numb to know for sure and sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was coming from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P...S. My wife loved her gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think Education is difficult, try being Stupid.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

Perfect eyesight

Brian — Sat, 10 May 2008 16:26:20 GMT

A woman,
standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I
feel horrible. I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's perfect!"

He never heard the shot.......

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 4 replies

obama joke

joe — Fri, 09 May 2008 22:04:50 GMT

Barack Obama finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates.

Angel: STOP!! You may not enter until you name one good deed you have done on earth.

Obama: Well....I was the first black president of the United States of America.

Angel: REALLY!?!?! When did this happen?

Obama: About 12 seconds ago.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 2 replies

Lots of funny images here

Neur0mancer — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 18:19:28 GMT

http://failblog.wordpress.com/

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 7 replies

photo of the day

1038inthemorning — Sun, 04 May 2008 09:19:28 GMT

I'm not usually one to repost things, but this must remain...

http://www.ringofsteel.net/images/pod.jpg

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 9 replies

My Comedy Efforts

Pulpracer — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 18:08:32 GMT

hey all, here's a webseries I'm working on that seems to be getting a few laughs.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/4c85237dd0

Enjoy - there are 6 more episodes linked there.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 6 replies

13 - 13 -13

Joe — Sat, 10 May 2008 04:47:18 GMT

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,

and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little

gap in the planks and looked through to see what was

going on.

Some NUT poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 4 replies

this is fun

davepattison — Mon, 05 May 2008 14:39:18 GMT

YOU MUST DO THESE SIMPLE STEPS FIRST THEN WATCH -IT'S WRITTEN IN PORTUGUESE SO FOLLOW THESE STEPS:

1. GO TO THE FOLLOWING SITE: http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/

2. TYPE NAME ON THE 1st LINE

3. TYPE YOUR FRIEND'S NAME ON THE 2nd LINE

(Skip the e-mail addresses...The last 2 lines)

4. Click on 'Vizualizar' and watch what happens ...

& don't ask me how they do that !

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 6 replies

Kids are Quicker

gypsistar — Fri, 09 May 2008 18:12:07 GMT

Kids are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables .
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his composition?
CLYDE : No, it's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

Little Johnny

gypsistar — Fri, 09 May 2008 18:28:58 GMT

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying
to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class
by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher
said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No,
ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by
yourself!"
* * * * * * * *
* * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed
cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he
asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then
began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?"
asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
* * * * * * * *
* * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying
attention in class. She called on him and said,
"Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny
quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
* ; * * * * * * *
* * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to
their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to
a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the
youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was
the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman.
"The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little
Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his
pictur e ?"
* * * * * * * *
* * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He
watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his
hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing
that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses
, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good
shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I
think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ."

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Chinese Proverbs

gypsistar — Fri, 09 May 2008 18:17:30 GMT

CHINESE PROVERBS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

The Older Crowd

gypsistar — Fri, 09 May 2008 17:52:56 GMT

THE OLDER CROWD

A distraught senior citizen phoned his doctor's office.

"Is it true," he wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told him.

There was a moment of silence before the senior replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

***********************

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia,

he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it? "

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

---------------------------------

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

---------------------------------

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

********************

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

-------------------------------

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

<><><><><><><><><>

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

<><><><><><><><><>

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

---------------------------------

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft... Today, it's called golf.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Lipstick in School

Nolen — Thu, 08 May 2008 20:22:39 GMT

Lipstick in School (Priceless!)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers .. and then there are educators

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 2 replies

the cabbie & the nun

azee — Tue, 06 May 2008 12:18:00 GMT

(oldie but a goodie)

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

"I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you," says the cabbie.

"My son, you cannot offend me," says the Nun. "When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well," said the cabbie, "I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."

"Well, lets see what we can do about that," the Nun replies. "First, you have to be single and, second, you must be Catholic."

The cabbie is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"Okay," says the Nun. "Pull into the next alley."

The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a passonate kiss but, when they get back on the road, the cabbie starts crying.

"My dear child," says the Nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, Sister, for I have sinned," says the cabbie. "I lied, and I must confess that I'm married and I'm a Methodist."

That's okay," says the Nun. "My name is Kevin and I'm going to a costume party."

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

fish

contactMOD250 — Fri, 02 May 2008 14:22:37 GMT

two fish are in a tank.
one turns to the other and says
"you man the guns; i'll drive."

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 5 replies

Dear Dr. Laura

Mike — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 00:53:17 GMT

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. For example, when someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. However, I do need some advice from you regarding some of the other
specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev.1:9). The problem is
my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact
with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual
uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I
tell? I have tried asking, but most women take
offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting
two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev.24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Mike

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 7 replies

jack and jill joke

joe — Tue, 06 May 2008 23:14:34 GMT

Jack and Jill get engaged, but before they marry Jack says to Jill
'Jill, I have to confess, my penis is infant sized'
Jill replies, 'thats a shock but i dont mind, I love you I'll learn to live with it'
So they get married, and on the honeymoon Jill puts her hand down Jacks trousers and starts screaming.
I thought you said your penis was infant sized??!?!?!'
' It is' Jack replied, 'Its 7lbs, 4oz and 12 inches long.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Some New Rules For Living

Mike — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 00:21:38 GMT

SOME THOUGHTS ON NEW RULES FOR LIVING:

New Rule #1: No more gift registries. It used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving; it's the white collar, elitist version of looting.

New Rule #2: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. It’s because you
don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days: He’s mowing my lawn.

New Rule #3: This is not meant to be sexist, but, ladies, please leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done. They’re great just the way they are!

New Rule #4: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this junk at the supermarket. Flavored water without that watery
taste is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule #5: Stop screwing with us old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label, and the top
is now the bottom. By the time I figure out how to open it, I’ll be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target! You just solved the Social Security crisis!

New Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
jerk. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grandee,
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one
NutraSweet,” you're a huge fart.

New Rule #7: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding
my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount,
deciding, “No, I don't want cash back,” and pressing “Enter” again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing up my order is standing there eating my
Almond Joy.

New Rule #8: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass, and
it translates in to English as “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything
spiritual you were praying you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule #9: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive
Eating because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too
darned exciting. What's next? Competitive farting? Oh wait! They're
already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.”

New Rule #10: I don't need a bigger, mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule #11: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule #12: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to
be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule #13: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear
”27 months.” Just say, “He's two,” and that will do just fine. He's not a cheese, and I
didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule #14: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job
that pays better than minimum wage, then for goodness sake please don't pierce or
tattoo every available piece of flesh. If you do plan to pierce and tattoo every available piece of flesh on your body, then also plan your future around saying, “Do you want fries with that?”

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 9 replies

Gas

f-punk — Mon, 05 May 2008 22:09:32 GMT

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas...

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

french joke

joe — Sun, 04 May 2008 05:55:29 GMT

People say that the French are unhygienic for not showering but, on the other hand,
their armpits get a good airing every time there's a war.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

damn guv'mint

Max — Sat, 03 May 2008 23:31:59 GMT

A farmer was visited one day by a government official who needed to inspect his land.

The farmer said "That's fine; but don't go in that field over there."

The official told him,
"Do you see this card? I'm here on official government business and I will go wherever I feel it is necessary to do my job with no interference from you or anyone else. I hope that's clear!"

The farmer nodded and left to go about his business. A short time later, he heard some anguished screams and saw that his bull was chasing the government man in the field the farmer had tried to warn him about. The farmer ran over to the fence and saw that the bull was gaining on the official with every step.

The farmer cupped his hands and yelled over the fence,
"Your card! Show him your CARD!!"

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

joke

joe — Sun, 04 May 2008 16:41:45 GMT

Two women were chatting.

"My 15 year old son is getting to be a right little bastard, hanging about in a gang, never coming to visit his grandparents with me - honestly, I sometimes think he wouldn't care if I died", the first woman said.

"I'm lucky in that respect", the second woman said, "My son is 22 now and loves his old mum, he snuggles up on the sofa with me of a night to watch TV, always gives me a kiss and hug whenever he is going out or going up to bed, we even do paintings together at weekends."

"I know", says the first woman "sometimes I wish my son had Downs Syndrome too."

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Cinderella, The Later Years

curmudgeon — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 16:58:59 GMT

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair watching the world go by from her front porch, with an old cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, her fairy godmother appeared.

"Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" asked Cinderella.
"Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life," replied the Fairy Godmother. "Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and, after some thoughtful consideration, she said, "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand-to-mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond my comprehension. "Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold, and so did all the furniture inside her home. "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!".

"It is the least I can do. What do you want for your second wish?", asked the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had lain dormant for years.

"You have one more wish," said the Fairy Godmother, "what will it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological makeup that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the like of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

"Congratulations, Cinderella," said the Fairy Godmother, "enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the Fairy Godmother was gone as suddenly as she had appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing into the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. He wrapped her in his young, muscular arms and held her close. Leaning in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, Bob whispered ... "Bet you're sorry now that you had me neutered."

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

Senility

Mike — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 18:58:20 GMT

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 2 replies

'The 'Middle Wife'

davepattison — Thu, 01 May 2008 13:59:38 GMT

'The 'Middle Wife' by an anonymous 2nd grade teacher
---
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years.
I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.

And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol o f their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids
are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.
'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'

Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie
down in bed like this.' Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in sase he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!'

This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle
Wife' comes along.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 2 replies

cowboy joke

joe — Sun, 04 May 2008 05:55:57 GMT

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Pest Control

Mike — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 19:01:13 GMT

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards.'

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Carol Doda

Mad — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 21:36:13 GMT

Why is Carol Doda depressed?

Because thanks to Barry Zito she's no longer the biggest bust in San Francisco!

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Little Johnny Gets Culture

curmudgeon — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 09:08:58 GMT

Little Johnny was at the mall with his mother when a man came walking toward them. Little Johnny hopped up and down, laughed, pointed, and screamed, "Mommy! Look at that bowlegged man!"

His mother was so embarrassed. "John, your manners are atrocious! You need some culture, young man!"

For the next month Little Johnny was forced to read Shakespeare every night. When his detention was finally over, his mother again took him to the same mall.

Sure enough, the same bowlegged man came walking toward them.

Had Little Johnny learned anything from the great bard?

Yes.

This time, as the man approached, Little Johnny cried out, "Hark! What manner of man is this me sees, who wears his balls in parentheses?"

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Mrs. Neely

Mike — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 23:50:20 GMT

Toward the end of Sunday service, the minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

80% held up their hands.

The minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small, elderly lady.

”Mrs. Neely! Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” asked the minister.

”I don't have any,” she replied, smiling sweetly

The minister continued, “Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

”Ninety-eight.” she replied.

”Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?” asked the minister.

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:

”I outlived the bitches.”

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

Confession

Mike — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 22:20:42 GMT

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.”

Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”

Man: “What sins?”

Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: “I'm Jewish.”

Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: “I'm 92 years old . . . I'm telling everybody!”

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Donation

Mike — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 22:14:16 GMT

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

“Hello. Is this Father O'Malley?” the caller asks.

”It is!” replies Father O’Malley.

The caller continues, “This is the Internal Revenue Service. Can you help us?”

”I can!” says Father O’Malley.

”Do you know a Ted Houlihan?” asks the man from the IRS.

”Indeed I do!” answers Father O’Malley.

The IRS gentleman continues, “Is he a member of your congregation?”

”He is!” answers Father O’Malley.

”Did he donate $10,000 to the church?” asks the IRS representative.

”He will,” replies Father O’Malley.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Lemon Squeeze

Mike — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 22:05:29 GMT

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”

The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.”

The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”

The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”

The priest said, “No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Catholic Dog

Mike — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 22:04:35 GMT

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying a mass for the poor creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.”

Muldoon said, “I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”

Father Patrick exclaimed, “Goodness, Muldoon! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?”

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Tweny-Nine Lines To Make You Smile

Mike — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 02:09:11 GMT

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over
religious differences. He thought he
was God and I didn't!
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy
every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because
it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it
broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; no one
gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the
voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer
holder
8.Earth is the insane asylum for the
universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot--some
parts are missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five
minutes
11.NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-
the- heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He
made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little
chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time
between naps.
15. Ever stop to think and forget to
start over again!
16. Being "over the hill" is much
better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the
Things I Wanted to Be When I
Grew up!!!!
18 Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a degree in Liberal Arts;
Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of
grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles
begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park
elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow
Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is
nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand
words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work
for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's
no background music.
28. The original point and click
interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what
is going on.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

The $20 Bill

Mike — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 01:51:04 GMT

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
directly toward her. Before she could offer her
apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her,
"I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no
matter how kinky, for $20.00........on
one condition"

Flabbergasted,
the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to
tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed from her purse
a $20 bill, which she pressed into the man's hand along
with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and
meaningfully said.....
"Clean
my house."

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

BBQ Season

Mike — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 01:34:55 GMT

~~~~~~~~
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important
to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity,
as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do (probably because there is an
element of danger involved).

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into
motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks
her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO
THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings
them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

Most important of all:

(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

Finally:

(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her
annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

Mike — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 00:34:50 GMT

As you travel through life consider the following:

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Drink free coffee only from the lobby!
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. This will help when you talk to your banker.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog. Watch out for all those idiots out there.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by
those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

My Dad At The Mall

Mike — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 00:31:10 GMT

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided
to grab a bite to eat at the food court.

I noticed my dad was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had
spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find Dad staring
every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter,
old man? Never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response, knowing he would have a good one. In classic style Dad
did not bat an eye in his response:

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son."

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Ageless Wit and Observations

Mike — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 14:09:28 GMT

"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed. If you do read
the newspaper you are misinformed."
Mark Twain
___________________________
“Suppose you were an idiot,
and suppose you were a member of Congress....
but then I repeat myself.”
-Mark Twain
________________________
“I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity
is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up.”
by the handle.
-Winston Churchill
_______________________
“A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend
on the support of Paul.”
- George Bernard Shaw
_______________________
“A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man,
which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.”
-G. Gordon Liddy
_____________________
“Democracy must be something more than two wolves
and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.”
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
_____________________________
“Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money
from poor people in rich countries to rich people in
poor countries.”
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
_________________________
“Giving money and power to government is like giving
whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.”
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
___________________________
“Government is the great fiction through which
everybody endeavors to live at the expense of
everybody else.”
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
___________________________
“Government's view of the economy could be summed
up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
-Ronald Reagan (1986)
____________________________
“I don't make jokes.
I just watch the government and report the facts.”
-Will Rogers
_____________________
“If you think health care is expensive now,
wait until you see what it costs when it's free!”
-P. J. O'Rourke
______________
“In general, the art of government consists of taking
as much money as possible from one party of the
citizens to give to the other.”
-Voltaire (1764)
_________________________
“Just because you do not take an interest in politics
doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!”
-Pericles (430 B.C.)
______________
“No man's life, liberty, or property is safe
while the legislature is in session.”
-Mark Twain (1866 )
__________________
“Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.”
-Unknown
_________________
“The government is like a baby's alimentary canal,
with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility
at the other.”
-Ronald Reagan
_____________________
“The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal
sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal
sharing of misery.”
-Winston Churchill
_______________
“The only difference between a tax man and
a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.”
-Mark Twain
___________________
“The ultimate result of shielding men from
the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.”
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
____________________
“There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.”
-Mark Twain
________________
“What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.”
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
______________
“A government big enough to give you everything
you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.”
-Thomas Jefferson

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 4 replies

You bet!

Max — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 01:15:43 GMT

**They're having a special on gay jokes at Alternative Gay People (it's in my tribes list).**

A guy walks into a bar and after a brief conversation with another patron, orders a beer. When he finishes the beer, he tells the bartender,

"You can slide this beer mug from one end of the bar to the other and I can piss into the mug with perfect accuracy."

The bartend tells him that's impossible. So the guy bets him $20. The bartender takes the mug down to the far end of the bar and tells the to let him when he is ready. So the bartender propels the mug down the length of the bar and guy hardly get a drop in the mug.

The bartender go over to the guy laughing and says,
"That's the easiest twenty buck I ever made."

The guy replies,
"I know what you mean. I bet that guy over there fifty that I'd piss all over your bar and you'd be happy about it."

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

joke

joe — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 04:58:30 GMT

what kind of pictures do depressed people take? Bipolaroids

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

casting stones

azee — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 22:53:42 GMT

Jesus came across an adulteress crouching in a corner with a crowd around her preparing to stone her to death.

Jesus stopped them and said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fired off a stone at the adulteress.

At which point Jesus looked over and said, "Mother! Sometimes you really TICK ME OFF!"

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 2 replies

the conversation...

davepattison — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 03:37:28 GMT

Let's talk...

A stranger was seated next
to a little girl on the airplane
when the stranger turned to
her and said, 'Let's talk. I've
heard that flights go quicker
if you strike up a conversation
with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just
opened her book, closed it
slowly and said to the stranger,
'What would you like to talk
about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the
stranger. 'How about nuclear
power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be
an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse,
a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes
little pellets, while a cow turns out
a flat patty, and a horse produces
clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by
the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do
you really feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know
shit

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 5 replies

27-year-old man found wed in suburbs

Lee R. — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 05:15:52 GMT

27-year-old man found wed in suburbs

April 15, 2008 | Issue 5-15
SCHAUMBURG, Ill. – David Blue's life was cut short Sunday when friends discovered the 27-year-old investment representative wed in his suburban Chicago home.

After friends made several attempts to revive him with televised sports and invitations to attend area bars, Blue was pronounced wed at the scene when friends checked his ring finger. A cause of marriage was not immediately known.

Friends are left searching for answers as to how a seemingly mentally fit young man turned up wed with so much of his life ahead of him.

Blue's untimely departure may have been the result of a long-term relationship that became serious in 2002 and developed into full-blown marriage almost three years ago, leading to a severely altered lifestyle for the former sports fan and one-time independent thinker.

"I had noticed differences. He never used to do any lawn work before, and then he traded his Grand Prix for a minivan," said Brad Decker, Blue's college roommate. "He never was the same after he moved from downtown."

John Dean, Blue's friend of 13 years, first noticed Blue in his basement and found him unresponsive to repeated requests to watch the game. "He just sat there saying he would have to check with someone named Susan. That's when we started to fear he was wed and gone forever."

Blue is survived by nine bachelor friends.

Relationships affect more than 70 million American men, with 65 percent of those cases developing into advanced-stage marriage. Marriage can spring up suddenly in men and often affects a sufferer's ability to make autonomous decisions and fraternize with other men.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 2 replies

no speak english...

davepattison — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 16:03:01 GMT

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store and...

(Please scroll down)

What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

Now get back to your emails.

I don't know about you sometimes!

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 3 replies

Dear IRS

Mike — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 22:52:26 GMT

Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from the "USA Today" newspaper dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the 'Presidential Election Fund,' as noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5' Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from the "USA Today" newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5' Phillips Head Screws).

One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 6 replies

It Could Get Ugly!

Mike — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 23:40:35 GMT

This morning, from somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammad Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell Computer customer service reps, Motel 6 managers, and liquor store cashiers.

Who knew it would come to this? It's getting ugly!

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Remember Ron Jeremy???

Marz-XamanEk — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 15:04:13 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5usOxDNGZgs

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 2 replies

the prostitute on the beach

azee — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 23:21:05 GMT

There was a prostitute on the beach without any arms or legs, and crying. A man came along and asked her what the matter was. She tells him that she has not been hugged before, so he picks her up and hugs her.

The next day she is still there crying, the same man comes along and asks her what the matter is. She tells him that she has not been kissed before, so he picks her up and kisses her.

The next day she's still there crying, and same man comes along again. He asks her sternly what the matter is and she tells him that she has not been fucked before. So the man picks her up, walks to the end of the pier, and throws her in the sea.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 9 replies

Still not enough jokes or humor?

Shadow — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 07:37:25 GMT

Try here too:
Semi-pure jokes and humor;
http://tribes.tribe.net/laughingwithlife

Not so pure, more "adult related";
http://tribes.tribe.net/hystericaladults

Either way...the more humor in life..the better.
:-)
+SW->

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

Mike — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 21:47:21 GMT

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice!

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks write "For Marijuana."

7. Finish all your sentences with, “In Accordance With The Prophecy.”

9. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

10. With a serious face, order a diet water whenever you go out to eat.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is “To Go.”

12. Sing along at the opera.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream , “I won! I won!”

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, “'Run for your lives! They're loose!”

19. Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 14 replies

The Bank Robber

Mike — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 22:43:06 GMT

A man walks in a bank, gets in line, and when it is his turn at the teller’s window he pulls out a gun and robs the bank!

Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses he turns around and asks the next customer in line, “Did you see me rob this bank?”

The customer replies, “YES!”

The bank robber raises his gun, points it to the customer’s head, and BANG!!!!! The robber shoots the customer in the head and kills him!

The bank robber then quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, “Did you see me rob this bank?”

The man calmly responds, “No, but my wife did! “

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 2 replies

Bob

Mike — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 21:40:35 GMT

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money...

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 7 replies

Some Unanswered Questions

Mike — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 23:16:56 GMT

SOME UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
1. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

2. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one in five enjoys it?

3. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

7. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

8. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

9. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

10. Do Lipton Tea employees take "coffee breaks?"

11. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

12. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

13. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

14. Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

15. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

16. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

17. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells
" THEIRS"?

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Bragging Rights

Mike — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 22:39:16 GMT

A group of physicians were talking together after a medical convention:
A Japanese doctor said, “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for
work in six weeks.”
The German doctor replied, “That's nothing! In Germany we can take a lung out of
one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four
weeks.”
Then the British doctor said, “In my country medicine is so advanced
that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another,
and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”
And finally a Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, “You guys are way
behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the
White House, and now half the country is looking for work.”

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Mind the gap

Max — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 18:48:11 GMT

http://www.emmaclarke.com/fun/mind-the-gap/spoof-london-underground-announcements

An exchange on another Tribe reminded me of the Voice of the London Underground, Emma Clarke. She made some very amusing spoof announcements on her own time but her employer objected to the point of firing her.

This might be a repeat but not a recent one. You can hear some of the announcements by following the link^.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

Children's Books That Didn't Make It

Max — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 03:35:54 GMT

1. You Are Different and That's Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad's New Wife Arnold

4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9. All Cats Go to Hell

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11. Some Kittens Can Fly.

12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

13. Grandpa Gets Crazy

14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17. Strangers Have the Best Candy

18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

19. You Were an Accident

20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

23. Your Nightmares Are Real

24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 7 replies

Fugawi Indians

Lee R. — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 01:38:32 GMT

Interesting story: I was recently researching nomadic Indian tribes, and came across a reference to a small band of Indians who called themselves the Fugawi. It seems that this was one of the most proud and nomadic of all the Indian tribes, as the almost never settled in one place. Apparently, the chief of the tribe believed in a paradise where the tribe could dwell in peace and plenty for generations to come, and even had a map to help him find the way to this promised land, though the journey seemed long and never ending to the people of the tribe. It became a well known ritual for the chief to display his pride in the tribe, as each evening he would take his map and climb the highest hill, He would look around, consult his map carefully, and think deeply. Each evening, as he thought, it became apparent that his pride in the tribe would overwhelm him, as he would suddenly rise to his feet, raise his fists to the sky, and proudly proclaim to the stars

WE’RE THE FUGAWI!!!!!

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 2 replies

The Darwin Awards

Mike — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 01:48:58 GMT

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least-evolved among us.

And the glorious Winner for 2007 is:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarr e fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. A Texas teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15.

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back a nd hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbor Michigan News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

******THE 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER** ***

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd had in a very long time.

In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family. Unless of course one of the 10 winners by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 19 replies

Ponderisms

Mike — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 00:51:43 GMT

PONDERISMS

CAN YOU CRY UNDER WATER?

HOW IMPORTANT DOES A PERSON HAVE TO BE BEFORE THEY ARE CONSIDERED ASSASSINATED INSTEAD OF JUST MURDERED?

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO "PUT YOUR TWO CENTS IN".. BUT IT'S ONLY A "PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS"? WHERE'S THAT EXTRA PENNY GOING?

ONCE YOU'RE IN HEAVEN, DO YOU GET STUCK WEARING THE CLOTHES YOU WERE BURIED IN FOR ETERNITY?

WHY DOES A ROUND PIZZA COME IN A SQUARE BOX?

WHAT DISEASE DID CURED HAM ACTUALLY HAVE?

HOW IS IT THAT WE PUT MAN ON THE MOON BEFORE WE FIGURED OUT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO PUT WHEELS ON LUGGAGE?

WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE SAY THEY "SLEPT LIKE A BABY" WHEN BABIES WAKE UP LIKE EVERY TWO HOURS?

IF A DEAF PERSON HAS TO GO TO COURT, IS IT STILL CALLED A HEARING?

WHY ARE YOU IN A MOVIE, BUT YOU'RE ON TV?

WHY DO PEOPLE PAY TO GO UP TALL BUILDINGS AND THEN PUT MONEY IN BINOCULARS TO LOOK AT THINGS ON THE GROUND?

WHY DO DOCTORS LEAVE THE ROOM WHILE YOU CHANGE? THEY'RE GOING TO SEE YOU NAKED ANYWAY.

WHY IS "BRA" SINGULAR AND "PANTIES" PLURAL?

WHY DO TOASTERS ALWAYS HAVE A SETTING THAT BURNS THE TOAST TO A HORRIBLE CRISP, WHICH NO DECENT HUMAN BEING WOULD EAT?

IF JIMMY CRACKS CORN AND NO ONE CARES, WHY IS THERE A STUPID SONG ABOUT HIM?

CAN A HEARSE CARRYING A CORPSE DRIVE IN THE CARPOOL LANE ?

IF THE PROFESSOR ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND CAN MAKE A RADIO OUT OF A COCONUT, WHY CAN'T HE FIX A HOLE IN A BOAT?

WHY DOES GOOFY STAND ERECT WHILE PLUTO REMAINS ON ALL FOURS? THEY'RE BOTH DOGS!

IF WILE E. COYOTE HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY ALL THAT ACME CRAP, WHY DIDN'T HE JUST BUY DINNER?

IF CORN OIL IS MADE FROM CORN, AND VEGETABLE OIL IS MADE FROM VEGETABLES, WHAT IS BABY OIL MADE FROM?

IF ELECTRICITY COMES FROM ELECTRONS, DOES MORALITY COME FROM MORONS?

DO THE ALPHABET SONG AND TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR HAVE THE SAME TUNE?

WHY DID YOU JUST TRY SINGING THE TWO SONGS ABOVE?

WHY DO THEY CALL IT AN ASTEROID WHEN IT'S OUTSIDE THE HEMISPHERE, BUT CALL IT A HEMORRHOID WHEN IT'S IN YOUR BUTT?

DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT WHEN YOU BLOW IN A DOG'S FACE, HE GETS MAD AT YOU, BUT WHEN YOU TAKE HIM FOR A CAR RIDE, HE STICKS HIS HEAD OUT THE WINDOW?

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

The Perks Of Being Over Fifty

Mike — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 00:30:08 GMT

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50!

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you????”

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks
into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay
off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

The Origin Of The Species

Mike — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 00:22:14 GMT

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race come about?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made.”

Two days later the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and asked, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?”

The mother replied, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side.”

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

The Mammogram

Mike — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 00:12:33 GMT

A woman in her fifties was at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and
squealing with delight.

Her husband watched her for a while and asked, “Do you have any idea how
ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?”

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, '”I don't care what you
think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor said that not
only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old!”

The husband replied, “What did he say about your 55-year old ass?”

”Your name never came up,” she responded.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Satan And The Old Man

Mike — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 21:58:34 GMT

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't,'" said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

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You bet!

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no speak english...

Dear IRS

It Could Get Ugly!

Remember Ron Jeremy???

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How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

The Bank Robber

Bob

Some Unanswered Questions

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Mind the gap

Children's Books That Didn't Make It

Fugawi Indians

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Ponderisms

The Perks Of Being Over Fifty

The Origin Of The Species

The Mammogram

Satan And The Old Man

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