JOKES!! 's topics - tribe.net

Room Service

2009-12-08T21:00:15Z

.
Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those guys you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt.... you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.
"Hello, sir, how may I help you?" . . . Oh God, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated, I rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now... Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night -tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, baby. Now how does that sound?"

He says, "Oh my God... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 2 replies

Lesbians in Cincinnati

2009-12-03T23:27:55Z

From the best of Craigslist, written by a lesbian:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cin/1302135864.html

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Larry is in the hospital, room 232

2009-11-23T21:30:52Z

(Ok, you are asking who in the hell is ' Larry ' ? )

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, " Where in the hell have you been? "

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo? " she frowned. " What kind of tattoo did you get? "

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?!" she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates? "

"Well...

One, I like to watch my money grow;
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money; and
Three, I like how money feels in my hand...and, lastly -- Instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 4 replies

The Porch

2009-10-06T21:34:31Z

A blond teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the Summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the Conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch Goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes.

Later that day, the blond came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes, the blond replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way,' the blond added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Back at the Ranch...

2009-10-02T00:36:38Z

An Idaho farmer got in his pickup, drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.

"Is your dad home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well, said the farmer, is your mom here?"

"No sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with mom and dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer dad."

"Well, said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded.

"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Niagara Falls

2009-09-16T20:09:17Z

A guide was showing Niagara Falls to a man from Texas.

Guide: I'll bet you don't have anything like this in Texas.

Texan: Nope, but in Texas we have a plumber who can fix it

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

can someone explain anitigravity better?

2009-09-13T14:33:13Z

http://fukung.net/v/1031/antigravitykitty.gif

had me almost crying with laughter-> felt real good!!

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Bran Muffins

2009-09-10T19:57:16Z

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.

Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods (LOTS of bran muffins for their fiber) and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?', grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man 'This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'If it wasn't for you and your bran muffins, we could have been here TEN YEARS AGO!!!

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Cause For Concern

2009-09-07T19:31:02Z

I'm not sure if this is a racist joke or offensive. I just thought it was kind of funny. If it's WRONG I'll happily delete it.

Subject: Cause For Concern

Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror

and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.

In sheer panic, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.

The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.

After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid,

gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all..

Barack drank the concoction and replied, 'That tasted like bullshit!'

The doctor replied, 'It was, you were a quart low.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 2 replies

The Pope’s Alaskan Bear Hunt

2009-09-06T14:43:06Z

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned al of them men over to him. “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who the heck was that guy?”

“Dude, that was was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.”

“Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn’t know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?”

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 2 replies

It's about sharing....

2009-09-02T02:55:25Z

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking overand whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?'

She answered . . . . ..

'The Teeth".

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

think fast

2009-09-02T02:46:40Z

Wish I could think so quickly

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 2 replies

Keyboards

2009-08-26T02:47:43Z

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a key-
board.

This recently became all too apparent to me and
consequently I will never be ending a work email with the
phrase "Regards" again.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

retirement scheme...

2009-08-23T02:11:31Z

uh, most likely an urban legend but wouldn't it be great? Maybe one could collect parking tickets along the entrance road to events like concerts....
----------------------

Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were Ãº1 for cars ($1.40), Ãº5 for busses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payrole.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (or some such scenario), is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars!
And no one even knows his name.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

she was just a Nun....

2009-08-14T19:29:13Z

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO .

SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO .'

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN. SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ:

'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.'

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM.

WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.

SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, 'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.'

NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.'

BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED,AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

a healthcare solution...

2009-08-13T04:54:28Z

OK this might be a bit harsh...but effective nonetheless. Haha..... very funny!
-----------

The Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care

While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Let's take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.

So here is the solution. When you turn 70 or maybe 80, you get a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 congressional representatives.

Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!!! New teeth, great!!! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. After all, this is just the new assisted living.

And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.

I really think we have a Perfect Solution here!!!

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

Skinny Dipping

2009-08-08T03:12:26Z

Skinny Dipping...

An elderly man in Kentucky had owned a large farm for several Years.. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over. He grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with Glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.One of the women shouted to him, we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 9 replies

whoops....

2009-08-04T03:14:57Z

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

Death Jokes

2009-07-26T15:26:00Z

Accidental Death

There are two nice bachelor brothers who live with their mother, Jim and Bob. A business trip took Bob out of town for a few days but he promised to call home on a regular basis to find out how things are going.

As good as his word, Bob called home the next day and Jim answered the phone. Bob asked, "So how's everything going?"

Jim replied, "The cat's dead. He fell out the window."

Bob was furious at the way his brother responded to his question and told him the bad news in such a callous manner. He told Jim his feelings in no uncertain terms.

Jim asked, "So how would you have liked me to respond?"Bob went on, "First you could have told me that you accidentally left the window open. Then the cat jumped out of the window and landed on the small roof below. We called the emergency response team, who tried for nearly and hour to coax the cat back into the house all the while trying to reach him by ladder from the outside. In spite of everyone's efforts, the cat lost his footing fell off the roof and died from his injuries."

Jim responded, "Oh. I see..."

Bob then asked Jim, "So how's Mom?"

Jim said, "Well, I accidentally left the window open and the cat got out. Mom went out the window onto the small roof to try to get the cat."

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Cause Of Death

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea.

Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Indecision...

2009-07-24T22:23:15Z

Warren was sitting alone in his office one night when a Genie popped up out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?"

Warren looked at the Genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the Genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said Warren, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."

"Sheesh! I wish you'd make up your mind," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever,

"That was your first wish, too!"

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Change Business Owners Can Believe In

2009-07-24T22:11:48Z

As the Manager of a small business that employs 80 people, I have finally resigned to the fact that someone from a political party I don't like is President, and that our taxes and government fees will increase.

To compensate for the tax increases I figure our customers will have to see a price increase of about 8%, but due to the dismal state of our economy we can’t increase prices right now, so we’ll have to lay off seven of our employees instead. This problem has really been eating at me, as I believe we’re all family here and I just don’t know how to choose who will have to go. Everyone has families and our employees are good people.

So this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found seven campaign bumper stickers for the person who won on our employees’ cars, and decided that these employees will be the first to be laid off. I can’t think of a more fair way to approach this problem.

If you have a better idea, let me know.

Sincerely, a small business owner.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Celebrities

2009-07-24T21:28:45Z

did you see that picture of sigfried and roy?

sigfried looked great...but roy looked like something the cat dragged in!

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Michael Jackson Jokes.

2009-07-22T17:32:49Z

.

Jus sayin...
should we be posting some?

.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 9 replies

Quick thinking

2009-07-22T16:36:30Z

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 2 replies

APHORISMS

2009-07-14T14:33:57Z

APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION, OR A GENERAL TRUTH.

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM: It could be a right number.

13. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!

18. Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you probably are dead.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 3 replies

Become A Cartoon?

2009-07-14T02:06:14Z

http://mywebface.mywebsearch.com/download/index.jhtml?partner=GRxdm012&spu=true&sub_id=33212

@ My Web Face

The Angelina Jolie pic on the ad got my attention.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 6 replies

Too early?

2009-07-10T21:15:29Z

Since Michael Jackson's body was 95% plastic, his will states that he wants his body to be melted and turned into Legos. This way little boys will still get to play with him.

Michael Jackson's autopsy has been completed. It turns out that he actually died from food poisoning. He ate some 12 year old nuts.

I know, juvenile, but probably true.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 40 replies

The Aristocrats

2009-07-07T04:29:04Z

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_aristocrats

http://www.amazon.com/Aristocrats-George-Carlin/dp/B000C3L2NE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1245735515&sr=1-1

I wonder if we could tell our our versions on this thread? lol

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 7 replies

Twitters on Why Sara quit

2009-07-04T05:54:10Z

twitter.com/joegerstandt
Twitters on Why Sara quit

i think that Palin decided that it was time to pursue her real passion...putting an end to community organizing......

i think Palin is resigning so she can commit the time to saving old media...someone has to do it right

i think that Palin is probably going to and straighten things out in Iran

maybe she just needs some time to go hiking? appalachian trail?

think this is all part of Palins secret plan to invade Russia?

i think that Palin is going to become a social media guru

God needs Palin to drive the witches out of Africa

i think that Palin might be planning on becoming the new king of pop

Spiritual development is one of the least discussed Extreme Sports

God needed Palin to help him write more letters explaining why he created special kids.

i think that maybe Palin knows she is the only one that can get Jon and Kate back together again

Palin is clearly sacrificing her political career to step in and raise the Jackson kids...someone had to do it

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

PONDERISMS

2009-07-03T22:58:59Z

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die..

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

the hunter...

2009-06-28T06:12:20Z

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tree stand early one cold December morning.

Suddenly, a huge buck walked out to the corn they had spread in the shrub. The buck was magnificent - truly a once in a lifetime animal. Moving quietly but quickly, the hunter carefully aimed his 30-30 Winchester at the unsuspecting buck.

As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend whispered that a funeral procession was passing slowly down the highway.

The hunter pulled away from the stock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was stunned. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I've ever seen you do. You let a trophy deer get away to pay your respects to a passing funeral procession. You are indeed the most sensitive man I have ever known, and I'm proud to call you my friend."

The hunter shrugged. "Well, we were married for 37 years......"

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 8 replies

Rodeo Sex

2009-06-23T04:36:40Z

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 4 replies

Earth Day Humour

2009-06-21T17:30:51Z

Why did the boy drink wheat grass juice?

Because he wanted to go green!

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 16 replies

Hell is...

2009-06-21T03:24:20Z

a salad bar where sporks are the only utensils available.

**reply with your own "hell is" so we can get another thread going, people!**

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 38 replies

Q and A

2009-06-20T06:56:15Z

Q: What's the best thing about Pagan friends?

A: They worship the ground you walk on.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 4 replies

Real Friend test....

2009-06-19T16:43:54Z

WHO IS YOUR REAL FRIEND?

This really works...!

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

------------------

Put your dog and your friend in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 14 replies

In the locker room

2009-06-19T05:40:07Z

Two guys in the locker room are getting undressed and one guy sees his friend is wearing a bra. He can't help but ask "Hey, man, how long you been wearin' that bra?"

His friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove box of the car."

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

THE SENILITY PRAYER

2009-06-19T04:59:48Z

(My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be)

THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference..

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 5 replies

The importance of for

2009-06-18T16:35:50Z

THE IMPORTANCE OF CORRECT GRAMMAR

On my 67th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say
'1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said,
"1-2-3!"

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!

ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 2 replies

Hitchhiker

2009-06-18T01:52:55Z

A hitchhiker in the hills of Tennessee was picked up by a hillbilly who pulled a gun on him and ordered him to take a bottle of corn moonshine from the glove compartment of the car.

"Drink it," the hillbilly ordered, waving the gun. The hitchhiker took a swallow from the bottle, gasped, gulped, sobbed, blinked, wept, gagged, choked, shuddered, squirmed, and twitched.

"All right," the hillbilly said. "Now you take the gun and force me to take a drink."

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 3 replies

The Importance of Correct Punctuation

2009-06-18T01:32:03Z

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Gloria

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 2 replies

The Veteranarian

2009-06-17T16:12:30Z

The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of
a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened
again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw
an elderly woman put the distinctive pink enve lope o n the plate. This
went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give
some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure
you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do
for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much
money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in
Las Vegas , and one in Reno '

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

AAARRRRRR!!!!!

2009-06-06T07:40:31Z

What do you call a stupid pirate?
The pillage idiot!

How do you know if a pirate is a handyman?
He has a peg-board leg!!

What is a pirate's favorite type of music?
Arr and B!

What do you call a pirate who steals from the rich and gives to the
poor?
Robin Hook!!!!

What do you get when you cross a pirate with a zuchnni?
A Squashbuckler!!!

What do you call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
Rookie!

What's a pirate's favourite film?
Resevoir Grogs

What is the name of the pirate tax office?
The Aye. Arrr. S!

What does a pirate say when he wants to get drunk with two ladies of
the night?
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 4 replies

OPPOSITE OF PRO...

2009-06-04T06:24:29Z

If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO", what is the oposite of PROGRESS?

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 3 replies

Cure For Constipation

2009-06-03T14:43:03Z

Cure For Constipation

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation,
look in the mirror and repeat the following phrase three times
in succession when symptoms occur: "My financial and
personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama,
Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm
Emmanual, Barney Frank, and Chris Dodd."

If that doesn't scare
the crap out of you, then you are probably destined to be
backed up for the rest of your life. There is no need to thank
me for this advice, I'm just doing it as a public service

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

Nasty one

2009-06-01T15:41:51Z

what's better on pie than pussy?

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 3 replies

A Night In Mexico

2009-05-25T18:21:06Z

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

what if..?

2009-05-25T03:05:32Z

What if God had long hair?

And if His eyes were pretty glazed?

If He looked spaced-out?

Would you buy His story?

Would you believe He had an eye infection?
And yeah yeah!!!

God looks baked!!!

Yeah yeah!!!

God smells good!!!

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!!!

What if God smoked cannabis?

Hit the bong like some of us?

Drove a tidy micro-bus?

And He subscribes to Rolling Stone?

When God made this place
In the beginning, did He plant any seeds?

Or did he put them there for Adam and Eve?

So they'd be hungry for the apple that the snake was always offering?

And yeah yeah!!!

God rolls great!!!

Yeah yeah!!!

God smells good!!!

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!!!

What if God smoked cannabis?

Do you 'spose He had a buzz
When He made the platypus?

When He created both our homes?

Does He like Pearl Jam or the Stones?

And do you think He rolls His own?

Up there in heaven on the throne
And when the saints go marching home...

Maybe He sits and smokes a bone?

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

Australian Councilor on live radio

2009-05-24T15:50:14Z

you just have to call it like you see it:

AUSTRALIA - THE VOICE OF MODERATION

One thing about blokes from Oz is that their hearts and humor are always in the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a City Councilor from Newcastle, Australia, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT: "If hooking up one rag head terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,'

'Red is positive, black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet."

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 13 replies

drunk texting

2009-05-01T20:32:52Z

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

(310): dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
(323): no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
(310): oh, so thats why my junks red.
(323): wow. cant help you there...

---------------------

(773): Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

--------------------

(415): Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.

---------------

(416): I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 5 replies

For those who snore...

2009-05-01T20:31:05Z

A couple has a dog that snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!' she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed...

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed,falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.

The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,

'I don't know where we were ... or what we did .. but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place!

_____

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 6 replies

It's very simple, really

2009-04-29T04:22:26Z

A little girl asked her father, 'Dad, how did the human race appear?'

The father answered, 'Well, God created Adam and Eve; they had children, their children had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered, 'Well, many years ago there was just monkeys living on Earth from which the whole human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they evolved from monkeys?'

The father answered, 'Well Dear, it is very simple really. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.'

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 6 replies

Different ways of looking at things

2009-04-25T16:43:35Z

-----
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine..'
-----

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
-----

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
-----

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
-----

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
-----

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez..
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
-----

A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
-----

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
-----

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.
-----

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Ponzi Scheme

2009-04-22T23:27:41Z

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, “Sorry son, but have some bad news; the horse died.”

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can't do that. I went and spent it already”

Chuck said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

Chuck said, “I'm going to raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can't raffle off a dead horse!”

Chuck said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.”

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”

Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.”

The farmer said, “Didn't anyone complain?”

Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”

-----

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

Girlfriend Voice

2009-04-22T02:04:27Z

http://www.hulu.com/watch/66317/saturday-night-live-girlfriend-voice

One of the funniest skits I've seen in years.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 5 replies

bagpipers gig.

2009-04-21T20:49:58Z

.

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost.

Being a typical man, I did not stop for directions, and finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew was eating their lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.

Still at lunch, the workers gathered around the grave. I played with all my heart and soul .. As I played, the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before. I played everything from "Going Home," "The Lord is My Shepherd," to "Flowers of the Forest ." I closed the lengthy session with "Amazing Grace" and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another," Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin’ like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Its all in the translation

2009-04-19T19:07:44Z

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

'We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !'

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

'The word was...

CELEB R ATE !!!'

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 4 replies

Youtube video

2009-04-16T00:32:40Z

It's not a joke but it made me cry with laughter....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pqqu-mXHwWo

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 4 replies

Tax Changes

2009-04-15T18:31:47Z

Snopes does not list this as "false"; you might want to check this out with the IRS and your accountant.

Income taxes are normally due on April 15th, unless that date falls
on a Saturday or Sunday, in which case they are due on Monday the
16th or 17th.

However, I have been told that rule has recently been changed. For
this and for the next 4 years, tax payments will not be due until you
are nominated to a cabinet position.

Please check with your Tax adviser to confirm

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 3 replies

more words of wisdom through morals

2009-04-14T05:08:47Z

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the Story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 2 replies

important morals to remember

2009-04-14T05:07:53Z

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story
> Always let your boss have the first say.

A turkey was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the turkey right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg. The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg.

She immediately says, "Father, remember Psalm 129".

The priest says sorry and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on when he changes gear and has ogled at her leg for the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again.

The Nun once again says, "Father remember Psalm 129".

Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up Psalm 129 and it said, "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY"

Moral of the Story: In your job should always be well informed or you may miss a great opportunity.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

Prawns

2009-04-11T02:08:00Z

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian!"

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 2 replies

NEW MODERATOR

2009-04-10T03:00:27Z

Lola has stepped down as moderator and has allowed me to take over.

As new moderator, I would encourage everyone to keep conversations limited to the topics.

I consider all of us mature enough to maintain a level of maturity. I would not like to see threaded conversations get completely off topic and disintegrate into name calling, degrading or demeaning in any way shape or form.

This tribe is a great tribe full of wonderful people who have valued opinions. I have been a member of this tribe for a long time and have read wonderful jokes here.

I have noticed the debasing conversations between two or more ppl on specific threads and this type of interaction between members will not be tolerated my myself.

1. first action will be to handled by private message. The guilty party (parties) will be privately notified. I try to maintain confidentiality as much as possible. I also try diligently to maintain any displinary action between myself and the individual(s) involved.

2. Unfortunately, if the situation is not cleared up by all parties involved whether individually or in groups, specific conversations or entire threads will be deleted. If the same types of conversations are flared up on other threads then that person who created the thread will be notified by pm.. and if it is not taken care of by the individual within a designated time frame then that person will be no longer allowed on this tribe.

I really don't like being this way.. but this is a joke tribe.. keep it light.. laugh and be happy.. Thats what this tribe is designed for..

Gypsi Star.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 19 replies

Bra and panties

2009-04-09T18:48:54Z

Why is Bra singular but Panties plural?

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 8 replies

MIT

2009-04-09T18:40:47Z

There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire
summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing
a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the
field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed, blowing
a whistle, and then walking off the field.

At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard
home football game, the referee walked onto the field and
blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half
hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field.

The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 2 replies

2 main ingredients in viagra

2009-04-09T16:42:56Z

Scientist have discovered the two major ingredients in Viagra..

Miracle grow and fix a flat..

Ok.. so I know its old.. but ...........

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 5 replies

Exam

2009-04-09T16:37:59Z

A student comes to a young professor's office after hours. She
glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully
into his eyes. "I mean..", she whispers, "..I would do..ANYTHING."

He returns her gaze. "Anything ?"

"*Anything*."

His voice softens. "Anything ?"

"Anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ........... study?"

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

DO NOT OPEN!!!!!

2009-04-09T05:35:49Z

You have Just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or
computers, you are on the honor system. Please forward this message to everyone
in your address book then delete everything on your hard drive.

Thank thee.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Cornflakes

2009-04-09T05:32:03Z

A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long
life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his
Cornflakes every morning.

The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grand-children, 35 great-
grand children, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the
crematorium.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Alligator

2009-04-09T05:12:31Z

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water
hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping
the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He
dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

"Now, where's my bucket and my water?" Gramma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" cried
Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been
there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why,
he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as
I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Dam Good Story

2009-04-09T05:07:35Z

Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner
and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction
and
maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring
Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of
activity.
A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been
issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws,
annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the
dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are
inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore
orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to
restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and
brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work
shall
be completed no later than January 31, 2002. Please notify this
office
when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site
inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this
request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in
this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate
and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel
free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely, David L. Price District Representative Land and Water
Management Division

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RESPONSE
Dear Mr. Price,
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond
to. First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or
contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and
a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor
supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that
you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I
would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their
dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can
safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills,
their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence,
their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your
request,
I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a
dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first
dam question to you is (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my
Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this
State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating
against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information
Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam
permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a
dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts
of
1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially
destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State
will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam
concern
that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event
causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the
Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the
Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling
their
dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow
condition,
please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them be
aware that they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter
due
to inability to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and
water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and
enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.) So,
as
far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred
for
more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002?
The
Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no
way
for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real
environmental
quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are
actually
defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be
persecuting
the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to
investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not
careful
where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and
being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am
sending
this response to your dam office via another government organization
--
the dam USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.

Sincerely, Stephen L. Tvedten
The University of Texas at Austin Office Community

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

What Men Know

2009-04-09T04:53:39Z

What Men Know...
* Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
* Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.
* Men know that if she looks like your mother, run!
* Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.
* Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
* Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.
* Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
* Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.
* Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.
* Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.
* Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how to cook them.
* Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi...
* Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.
* Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Teenage Frog

2009-04-09T04:49:31Z

A fellow is out golfing, and he hears a voice calling out "Use the 5-iron! the 5-iron!" so he does,
and it plops right into the cup dozens of yards away. He's amazed and looks about, but can see no source for the voice... "Down
here! Down here!" repeats the voice, and at his feet, the man sees a talking frog….. Well, he cleans up at the next PGA tour with this
unique secret caddy. He takes a modest stake and goes to Vegas. The frog
stays in his jacket pocket and counts cards in blackjack. "Double Down!
Double Down!" it whispers. Or "Stand Pat! Stand Pat!". Well, the frog's a
genius, and they make a killing. The frog finally gets serious. "look, I've made
you an awful lot of money, and I'd like you to do something for me... I want
to get the honeymoon suite here at Caesar's Palace, and I want to spend a
night living large, in the lap of luxury". Well, the guy doesn't see a problem
with that, and books the room. When they get there, though, the frog clears
its throat again. "I want to sleep up there on the King Size Bed with you, not
in the bathroom sink. There's lots of room..." Well, the guy eventually agrees,
only to have the frog hop up close and whisper "Now, kiss me. C'mon, I
made you an awful lot of money..."

Well, now the guy's a little weirded out, but after a few minutes of begging
and whining, he closes his eyes, puckers up, and kisses his bizarre talking
frog. POOF!!! Suddenly, before the man lay not a frog at all, but a beautiful
naked teenaged girl!

...And I swear to you, Your Honor, that's EXACTLY how it happened!...

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

A few days

2009-04-09T04:48:06Z

ONCE upon a time, a man came home from work, to find his wife sitting in the living room watching TV. “Hi hon, dinner ready?” he asked. “DINNER! YOU’RE 3 HOURS LATE! If you KNEW you were gonna be late, you could have CALLED me, I could have kept it WARM for you. Dinner? GET IT YOURSELF!” The man shrugs, goes in the kitchen and makes a sandwich. He returns to the living room, and asks “Hon, do we have anything to drink?” “DRINK??? What do you take me for, your SLAVE? You want a drink, GO LOOK YOURSELF!” The man shrugs, goes in to the fridge, gets a drink. Comes back to the living room, sits down, and asks “Hon, do we have to watch this?” LISTEN, you big jerk, I stay home ALL day, CLEANING your house, COOKING your food that YOU don’t even come home to EAT, I’m STUCK here all alone while YOU go out and have an interesting CAREER, I DARN well ought to be able to pick what I wanna watch on the TV!!!!!” “Hon,” the man says, standing, “I think it’d be a good idea if you didn’t see me for a few days. WELL, that was on a Thursday evening. She didn’t see him on Friday. She didn’t see him on Saturday. She didn’t see him on Sunday. On Monday, she could see him JUST a little out of one eye…..

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Fatherhood

2009-04-09T04:47:12Z

There was a couple that went in to deliver a baby... the doc said they had an experimental machine that would transfer a part of the pain of parenthood to the father... they agreed and hooked the lady up. The first contraction hits, with the machine set at zero. The pain was intense! So they turn the machine to setting 1. the next contraction hits, and she feels better. Her husband feels nothing at all. So they turn it up to setting 3. the next contraction hits, and she feel MUCH better. The husband feels nothing. They turn the machine up to 5. The next contraction hits, and the pain is much more bearable. The husband feels nothing. They turn the machine up to 8. The next contraction hits, and she barely feels anything. The husband feels nothing. They turn the machine all the way up to 10! The next contraction hits, the wife feels nothing, the husband feel nothing! So they proceed with the delivery, everything goes wonderfully, so they send the couple home. as they come up the drive, they see the mailman, dead in the bushes....

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Parachute

2009-04-09T04:46:09Z

Once there was a guy who took jumping lessons. on his first jump, the chute didn't open. panicked, he tried to remember everything he learned in ground school, but to no avail. suddenly, he sees another guy.... rising up from the ground! Too desperate to wonder at this, he yells to the guy as they pass "HEY! Do you know anything about parachutes???" The guy yells back "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?????"

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Lottery

2009-04-09T04:44:28Z

A wife gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and happily shouts,
"Honey, pack your bags. I just won the lottery !"

The husband yells, "Wow, that's great, we're rich !
Should I pack for the beach or should I pack for the mountains?"
I just can't wait to go somewhere !

The wife says, "I just can't wait for you to go somewhere too !
Now, pack your bags and get the hell out of here !"

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

If Men Rewrote "The Rules"

2009-04-09T04:42:28Z

If Men Rewrote "The Rules"

Rule 1: Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule 2: If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

Rule 3: If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule 4: It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid
Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule 5: Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how
pretty you are?

Rule 6: Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule 7: You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done - not both.

Rule 8: Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials or time-outs.

Rule 9: Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule 10: Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right
to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Rule 11: When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp,
you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

Rule 12: Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Haircuts

2009-04-09T04:41:15Z

Haircuts - The difference between men and women
Women's version:
================

Woman1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman1: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.........

Men's version:
Man1: Haircut?
Man2: Yeah.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Elephant Stew

2009-04-09T04:40:38Z

Elephant Stew

1 elephant

Salt and pepper

2 rabbits (optional)

First cut elephant into bit-size pieces. This will take 2 weeks. Salt and pepper to taste. Cook over kerosene fire at 470 degrees for about 8 days. This will serve 1,360 people. If more are expected, add 2 rabbits (Do this only if necessary as most people do not like to find a hare in their stew.) Serve hot

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Castaway

2009-04-09T04:40:11Z

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life. ...at least for awhile.

A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of
an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea
what to do.

So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to
spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the
most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a
rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled
from Gumtree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock
exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools,
and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the
boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the
rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she
said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged
their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and
shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing,"
he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines--strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,
something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied, "--I can check my e-mail from here?"

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Gotta love Italian ingenuity

2009-04-08T09:35:38Z

The Tomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground
was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the
old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried..

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to
the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 3 replies

Mexican Words for The Day and Examples of Use....

2009-04-06T00:30:30Z

Mexican Words for The Day and Examples of Use....

*Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I,
Shoulder.

4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

6. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

7. *Chicken*
I w as going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

8. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair

9. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

10.. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey
harassment nothing to me.

11. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

12. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

13. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

The wrong email

2009-04-06T00:20:21Z

The wrong email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel
wherethey spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida
on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he
decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one
letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just
returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called
home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from
relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived
and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival
tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as
uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Blond jokes again and again..

2009-04-06T00:18:54Z

Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
*********************

Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.

*************************

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth"

"So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

*****************

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

*****************

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still no thing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

****************

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face."Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

******************* *****

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos; it keeps things hot and some things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing; I'm going to buy it !" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.

"What's that,' he asked? "Why, that's a thermos; it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two popsicles, and some coffee."

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Good Bye Mom

2009-04-06T00:17:46Z

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady
following
him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at
him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and
said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you
look so
much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye,
Mom" as I leave the
store, It would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the
store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he
went
to pay for his Groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."

Don't always trust little Old Ladies!!!

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

The Smile of the Beyond

2009-04-05T08:29:09Z

some spiritual jokes:

http://www.srichinmoylibrary.com/books/0351/

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 2 replies

Clarke And Dawe - On Climate Change

2009-04-04T21:43:06Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PhZK2KFV8SU

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

Thank you lola*carr

2009-04-03T00:35:16Z

You have been a great moderator. I know your life is busy and I thank you for entrusting me with your tribe.

Again. .thank you.

Gs.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

Robin Williams

2009-04-02T13:23:20Z

a little Robin Williams:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puMz1Q3E000

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 5 replies

Virtual Orgasm Simulator

2009-04-02T03:30:12Z

This is quite accurate! lol

Ever wonder what an orgasm is like for the opposite sex???

Click here: Virtual Orgasm Simulator ( http://www.santorine.org/adolph/ohyes.html )

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 3 replies

New Heineken Commercial

2009-04-02T03:28:47Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1ZZreXEqSY

Hilarious.

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 8 replies

I can't believe........

2009-04-02T02:08:36Z

.......B posted this self pic on the internets. lol Too fuckin' funny. He can't even see it when he pee's. Ha ha!!! : )

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_TiqKRgLIW6Y/R0JgrkqKuQI/AAAAAAAACZY/jAqlt90dw_0/s400/cock-small1.jpg

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 1 reply

Clarke and Dawe - Front Fell Off

2009-04-01T18:57:28Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-QNAwUdHUQ

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 2 replies

Our Bungling Government in Action

2009-03-31T04:18:38Z

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/bl911warnings.htm

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

The Dick Cheney Extravaganza!

2009-03-31T04:15:43Z

http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/dickcheney/Dick_Cheney_Jokes.htm

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

The George Bush Extravaganza!

2009-03-31T04:14:44Z

http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/georgewbush/George_W_Bush_Jokes_and_Humor.htm

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

A Man And His Vacuum Cleaner - A Love Story

2009-03-29T15:52:06Z

demented and juvenile, but fun....

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/29913010#29914319

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

New ATM procedures for men and then women developed...

2009-03-29T14:16:17Z

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*********! **********************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

------------------------

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 0 replies

World's Dumbest Criminal

2009-03-28T07:59:09Z

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090328/ap_on_fe_st/odd_police_convention_robbery;_ylt=Au.k4x_HSh38Yb2DjLZ5F23tiBIF

(at least a nominee for the title)

posted in ** JOKES!! ** - 2 replies

** JOKES!! **'s topics - tribe.net

Room Service

Lesbians in Cincinnati

Larry is in the hospital, room 232

The Porch

Back at the Ranch...

Niagara Falls

can someone explain anitigravity better?

Bran Muffins

Cause For Concern

The Pope’s Alaskan Bear Hunt

It's about sharing....

think fast

Keyboards

retirement scheme...

she was just a Nun....

a healthcare solution...

Skinny Dipping

whoops....

Death Jokes

Indecision...

Change Business Owners Can Believe In

Celebrities

Michael Jackson Jokes.

Quick thinking

APHORISMS

Become A Cartoon?

Too early?

The Aristocrats

Twitters on Why Sara quit

PONDERISMS

the hunter...

Rodeo Sex

Earth Day Humour

Hell is...

Q and A

Real Friend test....

In the locker room

THE SENILITY PRAYER

The importance of for

Hitchhiker

The Importance of Correct Punctuation

The Veteranarian

AAARRRRRR!!!!!

OPPOSITE OF PRO...

Cure For Constipation

Nasty one

A Night In Mexico

what if..?

Australian Councilor on live radio

drunk texting

For those who snore...

It's very simple, really

Different ways of looking at things

Ponzi Scheme

Girlfriend Voice

bagpipers gig.

Its all in the translation

Youtube video

Tax Changes

more words of wisdom through morals

important morals to remember

Prawns

NEW MODERATOR

Bra and panties

MIT

2 main ingredients in viagra

Exam

DO NOT OPEN!!!!!

Cornflakes

Alligator

Dam Good Story

What Men Know

Teenage Frog

A few days

Fatherhood

Parachute

Lottery

If Men Rewrote "The Rules"

Haircuts

JOKES!! 's topics - tribe.net